MOVIE NIGHT WITH THE ERWIN BROTHERS: I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

~  “The Lord’s Prayer”

To be honest, I Can Only Imagine is not my favorite movie to watch. Not that it isn’t a great film. As with Woodlawn, Mom’s Night Out, October Baby, and, I’m sure, I Still Believe (though I haven’t gotten a chance to watch it yet), if it was made by the Erwin Brothers it’s going to be fantastic. I Can Only Imagine is certainly no exception, evidenced by the fact it became nothing short of a “Christian Blockbuster” during its theatrical run in March of 2018. The production is top-quality, the acting excellent (Dennis Quaid’s performance as an abusive, alcoholic father turned—SPOILER ALERT—tender, God-fearing Dad is especially inspiring), and the music is superb (when I found out J. Michael Finley, who plays Bart Millard, did his own vocals for the film my mouth, literally, dropped open).

What makes I Can Only Imagine tough for me is because it feels so personal.

Because of the nature of the story, a great deal of anger and rage is portrayed. Content-wise, it’s very guarded; you’ll see far more blood and violence in a 15 second ad for an episode of NCIS than in the whole 2 hours of this movie. But the honest depiction of the terrifying angst young Bart had to face everyday as a child then struggled to forgive as a Christian young man is a hard thing for me to watch and call “entertainment”.

But that’s also what makes it so powerful.

You see, I’ve had some “Arthur Millards” in my life. One in particular. Now, thank God, this person was never physically abusive towards me. Most of their verbal abuse was even aimed at someone else, so the level of hurt I have had to sort through was nothing compared to what Bart had to overcome…yet hateful words aimed at someone you love can hurt almost as deeply as when you take the hit yourself (perhaps even as deep, just in a different way). Now this person never meant to hurt me. They weren’t an alcoholic or hooked on drugs. Yet their violent temper broke into my family’s peaceful world all too often. And, I’m ashamed to admit it, but I came to hate their presence. I hated their name. I hated when they called on the phone. Hated when they showed up at gatherings. Hated when I was left alone in a room with them and, whenever they would leave, secretly hoped I’d never have to see them again. They never knew it, too selfish to notice what their own outbursts of rage were doing to those around them. But I came to despise the air they breathed. I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way. I was a Believer in Jesus Christ and had been preached to about the importance of forgiveness since before I could remember. I also never shared how I felt with anyone else, becoming an expert at hiding my feelings. I even prayed to God, asking for His help in forgiving this person.

Yet, truthfully, I didn’t want to forgive them.

I didn’t like them and wanted nothing to do with them.

Yet the Holy Spirit would not let it go.

Hadn’t Jesus forgiven me? What right did I have to hate this person? No matter what they had done to me, no matter how I felt, if God could forgive me for my sin—the sin that nailed His perfect Son to death on a cross—how could I not forgive this person for what they had done to me?

I had to forgive them. It wasn’t an option.

Though I struggled for awhile with how, I vividly remember the Sunday morning a few years ago when I finally unclenched my fists. The preacher in the church I was visiting at the time had been speaking on forgiveness and I could not get this person out of my mind. I knew Jesus was putting His finger on the root of bitterness I had been clinging to, wanting to pull it out by the root. It wasn’t easy to swallow, but I knew He was right. I knelt in the pew and cried, pouring out my hurt to Him. I told Him I honestly didn’t know how to forgive this person, and I certainly didn’t feel like it, but I would choose to let Jesus forgive them through me.

And it was in that moment that I learned an invaluable lesson.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Before we can feel forgiveness, we must choose forgiveness. Our ability to forgive someone for the wrong they have done doesn’t come when it’s easy. It doesn’t come from our own goodness or ability to overlook a person’s shortcomings. And, most of the time, it does not come when we feel like it. It comes from God—and God alone. We must allow Him to forgive through us, and we allow Him to do that, not by waiting till conditions are “perfect”, but by taking action towards forgiveness and trusting Him to make it possible.

Forgiveness, ultimately, is an act of faith.

For me, that looked like writing a letter. I never gave it to the person who wronged me because God told me that wasn’t the point, but I wrote in it how I was choosing to forgive them because Jesus forgave me. To be honest, I don’t clearly remember what happened to that letter; I think eventually I threw it away because it was no longer necessary. But that one small action of faith—making the choice to forgive and writing it down—broke the chain of hatred and ripped out the root of bitterness from my life. God began restoring my relationship with that person and I began to watch them actually grow closer to Christ, little by little. They still have a lot of growing to do and, just to be honest, sometimes I can still get really frustrated with things they say or do.

But I love them.

Miraculously, Jesus has removed all the hurt, all the pain, all the bitterness and replaced it with His wholeness, His patience, His love. And when I pray for them, He sometimes overwhelms me with His compassion to the point that I weep. God has completely changed my heart towards my enemy and given me His.

Which (finally) leads us back to I Can Only Imagine. 😊

Every time I watch this movie, I think of this person. Seeing Bart’s journey of forgiveness and restoration with his father reminds me of my own journey and fills me with a longing to see that same restoration in this person’s life. I don’t know how long it will take for the full fruition to take place, but I believe it will. So, for me, I Can Only Imagine isn’t so much of a movie as it is a reminder. A reminder to keep praying. To keep loving. To keep showing mercy when someone doesn’t deserve it. To keep offering forgiveness when someone messes up. To never give up on what God wants to do in a person’s life—what He will do in a person’s life—to bring restoration, healing, and salvation no matter how old, how broken, or how unlovable they are.

Because that’s what He did with mine.

“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” ~ 1 John 4:10

CHOOSE HEROIC,

CHRISTIS JOY